|The Heart of
A Unique guide to
Love and Sexual Fulfilment
If sex is such a
natural force, intrinsic to all human beings, how did we lose touch with its
deeper orgasmic potential?
How did we lose the
art of generating love?
Of staying in love?
Why are we so focused
The simple answer sadly
is: as we have become more civilized we have become less conscious, over
thousands of years man and woman have fallen dramatically out of balance with
each other, become progressively time and goal oriented, conditions in which
true love and uplifting sex deteriorate.
As mankind has
developed technologies, we have become addicted to time, to achievements, to
plans in the future and reaching our goals, whatever they may be.
The more highly
developed the country, the more important time becomes, with people living on
tight schedules with back to back appointments.
This creates so much
pressure, we not only lose our ability to love, we actually become sick.
Stress is considered
responsible for an extremely high percentage of illnesses in the modern world.
Relaxation and inner
ease have become so unfamiliar to us, that when we are not doing
anything, we feel restless, uneasy, bored.
We long for action,
It seems that we have
reversed the rules of nature; living with and against the clock seems to give
our life meaning while being and stillness and quiet arouses our
This is all a result of
Why are we so goal
oriented in sex? How often have you said to your lover or yourself, I
want to make love. I just don't have the time.
In a sense, that is
true, because satisfying sex requires time.
However, when we do
finally make love we are always in a hurry to get to the end part.
When we are striving
toward that, we are ahead of ourselves.
We are not really
here, we are not even really together, almost using each other, as
our every move or touch is oriented toward our goal.
Every step helps us up
The orgasm has become
the only means of fulfillment, and we feel that sex is not really sex unless we
come, unless a peak and release of energy occur.
When this is the
experience of sex, millions of us women are worried, in emotional pain, when
the elusive orgasm is not reachable, and most men are deeply concerned because
they ejaculate much sooner than they would like - or at least well before they
can satisfy their woman.
Unless we come
together, we feel that we are missing something, that we have failed or
are sexually inadequate.
This urgency for an
orgasm now operates unconsciously within us, almost like an automatic reflex,
seeming to leave us little choice but to head for orgasm, as we usually
This desire is so
strong it seems to be absolutely instinctive, which makes it even harder for us
to imagine there might be other ways of making love!
And so we repeat
ourselves in sex again and again, looking for a certain fulfilment which we
never seem to find.
This tendency of
goal orientation, and the resulting quickness in sex, has been
going on for centuries and, together with religious dogma, it has effectively
and seriously repressed our sexual energy.
We are subject to a
host of fears, insecurities, anxieties, tensions and pressures around orgasm
and sex, and our pleasure is kept, through this and unknown to us, within
certain definite limits of enjoyment. We have lost knowledge of alternatives in
lovemaking, and the expression of our sexual energy has become subject to
dictate that we automatically always travel along a specific sexual route: we
start this way and we finish that way.
It is virtually a
routine. And, unfortunately, these conditions operate without us even knowing
they are there, because mother and grandmother and great grandmother made love
in this way and if it was good enough for them, why not me?
That is how I thought
until I began exploring love within a different frame.
From doing to being
the eventual outcome is that through forcing the sexual energy along toward
reaching a specific goal, we have lost the capacity to discover how the
genitals themselves make love what they want to do.
We have a fixed idea of
what we want in mind.
In this way we have
unsuspectingly lost our organic genital intelligence, and today sex
is a function of mind and thoughts instead of true body.
conditioning has led to an extroverted and biological approach to sex.
We only know how to go
And along with it our
sexual energy has become congested and our bodies unduly tense.
Our lifetime habit of
compressing sexual energy and forcing it intentionally, although unconsciously,
along a fixed (goal oriented) route, has resulted in a chronic twist in the sex
energy, with an almost cork screw effect.
This will even go so
far as to affect the leg structure of a person, and the way they walk.
physical and emotional tensions of our past experiences sit in the genitals
making them tense and much less sensitive than they should by rights be.
Sex is now more of a
mechanical doing and reproductive function and we are without
access to the divine being aspects of sexual union.
We only know how to
do in love, and not how to be in love.
Picture a flower which
stays compressed in a bud, restricted, and never given the opportunity to open
Such is our
It is a chronic
tension, and the energy center is turned and twisted in on itself in such a way
that the naturally expansive sexual energy is prevented from radiating
throughout the body.
Sex becomes limited to
local genital sensations, we are unable to create higher ecstatic experiences.
The inward and upward
swing of the sex energy required in Tantra happens as bodies and genitals
relax, no longer compelled by orgasm, and that same energy spreads and expands
deliciously through the body.
Yet very few of us have
had this experience because we simply get much too tense as we try to control
and force the direction of the sex energy.
When the same energy is
free to move absolutely of its own accord, sex becomes a glorious mixture of
rampant passion and sobering silence.
& programming the sexual center is the seat of our individual psychology's
This is where our
programming is molded; our earliest unconscious impressions surrounding sex and
life gather here, affecting us long before we become sexually active, and
onward into the rest of our lives.
The negative imprints,
the centuries of sexual misunderstandings, the phrases, the looks, insinuate
themselves into our bodies, while we are still young, innocent and
this way we inherit our sexual conditioning which resides in the body in the
form of physical tension, with a restless excitable quality.
The tension of our
unconscious collective past adds to the tensions of our personal past, and
these can be conscious and unconscious.
Excitement and sexual
tension in usual sex, as soon as our level of sexual excitement reaches a
certain point, the sexually conditioned unconscious tension residing within
each of us is triggered to form an urgent physical desire, which sets up a
powerful craving for orgasm.
With this forceful
injection of tension, we swing automatically away from the here and now, into
gear, working frantically toward an artificial climax created by a focus in the
In fact we are not
truly present in our sex act because we have absented ourselves in pursuit of a
In this way sex energy
fails to be an empowering moving force, but simply a pleasurable build up and
corresponding discharge of tension.
This sexual tension
unfortunately seldom moves through or out of the body completely.
Instead, it lives on
as a residual tension of frustrated desire, accumulating with time and
continually seeking release.
It makes our genitals
tough and insensitive, while it makes us feel emotional, restless, lustful, or
When this gathered
tension is triggered, or thrust forward, by sexual stimulation, it too adds to
the already disturbed energy in the sexual center.
Like the foundation of
a building, if the base is weak, all the upper structures will lack strength
and support from the earth.
In the same way, the
higher energy centers in the body, resting above the root will also lack
vitality, nourishment and integrity.
Therefore, when the
tensions of achieving orgasm are the underlying theme of lovemaking, an already
bottom-weak system will cave in.
The pull or cork-screw
twist on the fragile sex center will automatically hook and mobilize the entire
collective unconscious surrounding sex.
When the flood of
psychological sicknesses and perversions that have arisen in man over thousands
of years on his enduring hunt for fulfillment through sex, seep through to us
today, the innocence and spirituality of the sexual act is lost.
This is effectively a
psychological sickness, and while expressed through the body, is a
condition of the mind.
Sex and the spirit
Tantra directly addresses the mind and the restlessness of the psyche by
re-aligning man with his essentially sexual nature.
Sex is not to be
ignored, it is an aspect of the spirit.
Since heart and spirit
have little to do with the sexual act today, the recent resurgence of interest
in ancient sexual attitudes and practices is a sincere attempt to turn the
rising tide of sexual ignorance.
intelligence into sex, by experiencing the sex energy in an innocent, playful,
childlike way, absorbed beyond any preoccupation of outcome, we begin to sever
our ties with our conditioned personal and collective pasts, and open up a new
world of experience.
To begin with we need
to have a flexible attitude toward time, because time is what we make of it.
If time is money then
time exerts pressure to fit more in and do more things.
Where time is cyclic
as in nature, there is patience which removes pressure and replaces it with
relaxation, some plants waiting for years for the rains to come so that they
can blossom for a few short hours.
Have you ever wondered
how on earth you would get everything done (in time) and suddenly you are on
the plane, up and away, with everything sorted out and slotted into place? If
time is what we make it, then it must be flexible, where time can even stand
This happens as we
enter the present moment, which is why Tantra asks for an unhurried loving
When we are not in a
hurry (concerned about time) this makes us aware of the unfolding present
moment which is filled with richness.
When I lived in India,
I observed that time had almost no significance, in fact nobody really cared
about it in the slightest.
tomorrow - it did not make much difference.
Interestingly, in the
Hindi language of India, the same word, kal, is used to describe
yesterday and tomorrow!
This attitude toward
time gave the whole country an extremely relaxing quality, one of
being rather than doing.
On any given day an
overcrowded train can stop, and stand dead still for five hours at the end of a
five hour journey, just twenty minutes from its destination, as mine did.
And this without any
explanation for the nature or the length of the delay.
When this happened to
me, the other passengers just sat quietly, there was nothing said or done, and
everyone fell into immediate joyful acceptance.
Adults relaxed and
chatted, children played and moved about the crowded compartment as if they
were at home, tiffins of spicy snacks appeared and eventually the train started
No panic or fuss
because no one was determined to reach their destination by any specific time.
If they were late, they
were late, no more than that, and trains in India are often a full day late.
It does not bother the
people so much because their inner contentment, their joy, is not affected by
goal oriented frustrations.
We can hardly say this
about Western people.
After living in India
for several years and having returned to Europe, I remember sitting on a German
plane that was traveling from Frankfurt to Berlin.
The young businessman
next to me kept checking his watch, agitated and quite heated because the
departure was already one minute late!
When we took off some
fifteen minutes later, he was absolutely furious, upset that life's
circumstances had interfered with his goal, by a few minutes - and he would be
late for his all-important meeting.
He was restless for the
rest of the journey, unable to experience even a moment of peace and
In the Western world,
goals, plans and time rule our lives.
In fact these days it
is almost chic to be busy.
And often we keep busy
to avoid facing the insecurities or anxieties we may feel about love and
How often have you been
too busy for love?
And then, when you
found some time, it was the last thing at night, a quick fifteen, twenty
minutes before you went to sleep.
Or a quickie first
thing in the morning before work.
In this kind of sex,
time has entered our lovemaking too, and brought with it the pressure that
something has to happen.
And fast! So in our
desire to create pleasure quickly, we move immediately toward orgasm, because
it feels good.
In contrast, Tantra
tells us that lovemaking needs time.
Lots and lots of
Let the train stop for
a few hours.
Sexual energy needs
hours to relax, blossom and flower, to bring the deepest pleasures of
When we give ourselves
this opportunity, we find beautifully fresh and unexpected experiences, where
the energy itself celebrates differently each time.
You cannot possibly get
bored! In truth, we, ourselves, are creating not only the difference, but also
the extent to which we are able to relax into the immediacy of the
A healing force This
Tantric dimension opens up naturally, and accidentally, when lovers are
relaxed, open and available to each other, perhaps freshly absorbed in love or
surrounded by the gorgeous greenery of nature.
Many of us have had
this magical experience where the moment itself feels like heaven.
I remember it happening
to me spontaneously in India, during an intense monsoon rain, late one
The thundering and
torrential rains created the sensation of being encapsulated within a whirlwind
I was with my lover of
many years, in his huge bamboo bed, when suddenly time stopped and we moved as
one body, passionate and aimless, consciously absorbed in the unfolding
I was golden and
floating, ecstatically filled with love for hours, with no idea of how I had
Now I know.
Through Tantra, I can
now access this mysterious present dimension consciously, and at
will, not merely by accident or chance.
Many of our problems,
anxieties and unhappinesses, even illnesses, have their source in sexual
When we validate
sexuality by incorporating consciousness as nature and God intended, we
discover sex to be a healing spiritual force.
And surprisingly, the
sexual interest does not gradually burn out as is commonly
experienced by lovers in glaring contrast, the attraction increases.
The sexual experience
gets finer and finer as time passes, the genitals learning to respond to each
other with a new ecstatic intelligence.
Tantra, which is
everybody's birthright, removes the darkness and brings light to life.
- tensions of our
sexual conditioning overlie our true orgasmic potential
- discover the journey
of sex and forget about the end part
- an unhurried approach
creates a quality of timelessness, one of being present
- through this the
sexual organs re-discover their ecstatic intelligence